a tissue of lies

2005-02-22T23:35:00.000Z

We returned from the cruise a few days ago, to a house empty of guests. The attendants were busy cleaning and taking inventory of linens and toys, trying to determine what needed to be replaced, what required attention. The deck boys unloaded the boat, returning luggage to the appropriate rooms and transferring guest belongings to the car for delivery to the airport.

I was told to return to my room and gather together the items I would need for an extended trip. This surprised me as it was implied when I arrived that no one left the island until their debt was paid.

An attendant accompanied me and assisted in my packing. Shortly before dinner a car arrived and I was instructed to accompany the attendant and one of the guests from the cruise to the airport. I was leaving.

That was three days ago. I guess I still work for him, but I now reside with Carl, in his villa. The attendant is still with me and prepares me for work in the evenings. There have be no parties, only private dinners and one night out dancing. I've asked how long I will be hear, but the attendant just hushes me and tells me to stop, that I must behave or I will not return to him.

However, Carl has given me a private room and full access to the house. He has also given me access to his driver, with a small allowance to spend in town with the caveat that I never leave the drivers sight.

Have I left the pan for the fire?

2005-02-10T21:00:00.000Z

I am back from the clinic and safely ensconced in my room. The attendant just left, having brought me some tea and a light snack of fruit and cheese. That is all that is allowed us, in the evenings.

I have been allowed tonight off, despite the party he is throwing, but I am to be on duty tomorrow bright and early. He has decided it is time to sail, so we will be gone for a few days, with a few select guests and no contact with the real world. Working on the boat affords less time for relaxation though as the fresh air works on the guests. We are to be "on call" for whichever guest wishes us. I believe this time will be myself and one other. Maybe Sarah as she looks her best in a suit.

2005-01-26T01:23:00.000Z

I don't know how long it's been. I do know, however, that I am tired. So very tired. Things are not well, not going according to plan, not as expected. I need to go and have it terminated. For my health, for his sanity. Apparently I am damaged and no good will come of going to term. But then, unfortunately, I will need to return to work. It will be required of me. I have cost him much since my arrival. More, he hints, than I contribute. The attendant no longer comes and my meals are delivered by a quiet house boy who watches me with fear in his eyes.

I am unsure where things are headed.

2005-01-13T23:48:00.000Z

I've had a few days to adjust to this new development. No one is quite sure why this happened and the doctor feels an end should be put to it immediately. He is not too sure, which is odd as it is against our employment. It has, however, bought me a few days to myself with no guests and no visits from the attendant. He feels he needs time to adjust to the situation as well, and make a decision.

2005-01-07T23:32:00.000Z

I'm not sure I can continue.

2005-01-02T01:40:00.000Z

It was a quiet day. The guests left early, leaving me to myself, my reading, and my thoughts. He avoided me most of the day. Probably due to his anger which was always there, in his eyes, his movements, the way he spoke to the others. The time I spent recuperating was costly. For both of us, and in ways I cannot even begin to explain.

The attendant has be in and out of my room all day, shuffling her feet and murmuring her strange dialect while all the while glancing in my direction. When it came time to prepare for dinner she said I shouldn't bother. I was not required. Dinner would be sent to me. As she left she locked the door.

It has been hours now. Dinner was served and cleared promptly. The door re-locked. I can hear girls moving about the halls and patio still, tho no new guests have arrived. He has not visited as is his habit before retiring. No evening drink has been sent. No fire was lit.

I am worried.

2004-12-30T13:20:00.000Z

I am finally up. Finally out of bed. Finally walking. Finally off of the pain killers. I have a slight limp, but that should disappear as I work out the stiffness - in whatever form of exercise he prescribes.

Back to work. Back to life.

2004-12-24T01:42:00.000Z

I can't sleep. The doctor finally came, telling him that I must rest in order to ensure complete healing of the muscle. The doctor left medicine for the pain but he won't give it to me until morning - until I have finished work. Starting tomorrow I can have a few days rest, but I must remain in my room. Someone will take my place at the table and on the floor. I must not be seen on the grounds. The attendant will bring me my food.

But tonight I worked, tonight I entertained.

I can see this guest sleeping in the bed across the room. By the light of the screen he looks pale, sick, and not of this world. But he is real enough and my responsibility until morning. Once he leaves, I will be permitted to leave my room to bathe and wash the smells from my skin, my hair, my nails.

But I should get some sleep now. The sun will take longer if I try to greet it.

2004-12-22T01:35:00.000Z

He came to my room today. A rare occurrence. He stood in the doorway emanating disapproval, oblivious of my pain, of me as a person. With his eyes he refused my request to visit a doctor.

No, he's said, I will send for one.

As he turned to leave he nodded at the attendant, and gestured back at me. She murmured something I didn't understand and disappeared down the hall. When she returned she pressed a cup of tea on me and insisted in her broken English that I drink and eat. But there was no food. Then she brought more ice for my hip, disentangled me from the used and dirty sheets and helped me to sit.

The guests had arrived and I must get up.

2004-12-20T17:32:00.000Z

What a wonderful start to the week (note the sarcasm). Out by the pool today, getting a little sun. What happens. I slip. Now my hip hurts. It hurts to walk. It hurts to stretch - and I do need to stretch. I am afraid to tell him, but I think I should see a doctor. He will insist it is just an excuse not to work, not to entertain, not to socialize with his guests that will be arriving tomorrow.

For now, I sit in my room with an ice pack wondering if I should be using heat instead. Trying to pass the time until the attendant arrives to prepare me for dinner. That should be soon.

She is starting to suspect something, seeing me write all this down. There have been whispered conversations in the halls and sudden arrivals to my room. Is she what she seems?

Shit. Here she comes and I can hear the bath water running.

2004-12-20T01:06:00.000Z

Long, long day. Can't sleep. Hoping that I am quiet enough so as not to wake him. No party today. No guests in the house. Blessed silence.

Presented with some time "alone". The attendant accompanied me to town and I was permitted to purchase a few items on account at a few of the shops.

I hate standing out like this.

2004-12-18T13:19:00.000Z

I'm sooooo tired this morning. And sore. I'm not sure how much longer I can do this.

Painted smile. Painted whore.

2004-12-17T17:33:00.000Z

He's out now. Just for a bit. And he left me alone in the house, save for the attendant who, thankfully, reads no english. I've asked him about leaving and, as usual, he says no. I must stay until I fulfill my obligations, but he has yet to outline them in full.

Looking around at the room he has provided, I realize that I am (on the surface) lucky and pampered. And although I have no direct contact with the outside world, he did agree yesterday to allow me somewhat monitored access to the internet via his account. So I sit here, typing quietly, waiting for dinner to be announced. After which the party will commence and I will be forced to entertain the guests and perform my duties as a good hostess should.

When he returns he will have a new outfit for me, for tonight, as well as some "suggestions" as to how I can improve my standing with his guests and friends. Apparently (I've been told by the others) that this makes all the difference in how I will be treated by him and how long I will need to remain here.

The attendant has just come in. I guess the preparations must begin.

2004-12-17T15:45:00.000Z

I don't know why this happens. But it does. And I tire of it. Tire of waking each morning with someone new. Tire of the haggling and back alley discussions. Tire of the looks, the comments, the assumptions.

Maybe someday I'll wake alone, hugging the sheets close to my naked body, reveling in the sun that pours through my windows and enjoy the hot breeze that makes the curtains billow.

I don't know if I ever will. I don't know if he will ever let me. But I will write it all down here. As my escape. For my sanity.